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We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
Gym Update: Not there.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.