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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!