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Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!