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Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.