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I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
"May the 4th" be with you!
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands