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If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers