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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
never be afraid to wipe twice
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
is here. Now what are your other two wishes?
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.