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I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.