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That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?