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Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..