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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..