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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.