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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"