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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
only 9530 days until retirement.
Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.