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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.