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The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...