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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.