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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
I flunked anger management class.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.