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The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
Partying on my level requires years of training.
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone