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Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
Keep calm and drink on.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside