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...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?