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I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
I am Looking for a Bank which can offer me these Two Services..... .Give me a Loan & then Leave me aLone. :)
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?