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Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.