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Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I`m trying to update my e-harmony profile
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.