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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.