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I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
Velcro is a ripoff
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"