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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.