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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..