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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist