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If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.