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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."