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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.