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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!