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I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.