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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.