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Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it