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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.