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You do realize everyone can see your status right?
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
I was born to be happy… not normal.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.