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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?