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Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.