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So many rules; so little time to break them.
I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
At the end of the day, it`s 11:59pm.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?