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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.