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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
Safe words are for quitters.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.