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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!