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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
If a post is really good you will read it twice. if a post is really good you will read it twice.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.