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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
"You only live once. LOL JK!" ~ the cat
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!