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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
This headache feels like dumb people
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
no..i am not drunk, floors needs hugs too ! :p
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.