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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross...
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.