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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.