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How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."