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It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling