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I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
I see your arguement contains a lot of swear words, you must really know what you`re talking about
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
No great story started with someone drinking water.
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.