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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.