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I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.
How`d this get posted?
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.