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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.