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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
I want to start a womans magazine called "Period". ..then every few months I`ll send it out late JUST to freak them out. ;)
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.