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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.