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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking