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I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.