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when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
As if " cray cray" wasn`t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to " cray"....that`s just stu stu
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?