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If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy