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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
I really have important work to get done, but I really just want to sit here and complete a quiz on what percentage redneck I am..
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
I just lost my mood ring, I don`t know how I feel about that.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.