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Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
Karma takes too long ..... I`d rather beat the sh%t out of you.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.