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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.