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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
Soup of the day: Tequila.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face