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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.