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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like