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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?