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is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
Iām in no shape to exercise.
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.