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Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
I`m off to get my beauty sleep. Yeah, I know...I`m already so beautiful you can`t stand it! I promise...a little more isn`t lethal...yet! ;) Goodnight!
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.