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In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?