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Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.