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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.