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I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.