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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.