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Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
Legally,It´s questionable. Morally,It´s disgusting. Personally,I like it.
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.