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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
I always advise people never to give advice.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)