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Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.