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My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.