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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.