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I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
I drink to make other people interesting.
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.