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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”