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I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.