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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.