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Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
You had me at 0 mutual friends
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.