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If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!