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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?