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Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don`t like people.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.