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If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.