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Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list