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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.