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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
My body needs a refresh button.
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.