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I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
Velcro, what a rip-off!
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.