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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Adding lyrics when you don`t know the words or making words up when you don`t speak the language. ;)
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!