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Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.