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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.