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Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…