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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
´s status message is better than yours
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.