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Was sitting and doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
I’m late for a disappointment.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
Go ahead caller 9!!
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.