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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....