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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
Last person to like this wins a prize.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!