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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks