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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?