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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!