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Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
be smart, pretend to be stupid!