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If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!