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President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend.......who`s in with me?
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???