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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.