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The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
A man is as faithful as his options
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.