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Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
Just dropped off some film to be processed. More on this story as it develops.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.