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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
To all my Facebook friends. Have a happy St. Patrick`s day, and all the festivities this weekend. Stay safe, enjoy life, and if you by chance happen to find a bartender who is bad at math...give me a call :)
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!