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As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
If you come to myspace and twitter about my yahoo, can I google over your facebook?
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.