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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
´s status message is better than yours
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.