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Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.