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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?