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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.