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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.