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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.