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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!