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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"