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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.