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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.