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I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
New day, same old bullsh!t
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats