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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.