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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
I was told there would be kool-aid.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!