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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson