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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting. - Why my mystery novel failed
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s