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"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.